Car #2 - The LTD

My second car was one that I shared with my father for a few months. It was a two-tone silver 1984 Ford LTD sedan, and would have been considered a mid-size car by 1980s standards. It entered our family via my grandfather, who bought the car in the late '80s. And it was awful in every way possible.

But that's not completely fair. After all, it was built on the Fox-bodied Mustang chassis, had a torquey V6, and actually was available with a 302 Ford V8. So it probably did have a small amount of potential.

But ours was riding on tires that fit the criteria of "black and round", so it always handled badly. In the dry, it would go from slight understeer to snap oversteer once the tires let go. In the rain and snow, it would just oversteer constantly. You could almost pretend you were Ken Block, if not for the fact you were constantly waiting for a hard impact to stop the skid.

One night, I was going over a metal bridge in the rain. I suppose I gave it too much gas, and the car swapped ends. I stopped on the opposite shoulder with a line of cars staring at me. As it turned out, I did it right in front of a family friend. It got back to my father, yet somehow I was able to convince him that they were mistaken, being blinded by the evening rain. To this day, I think he knew the truth, but secretly took mercy on me.

Of all the LTD's non-safety features, one of the more amusing ones was the horn button. Somehow, the plastic tabs holding it to the steering wheel had broken, and it had a tendency to fall off into your lap while turning. This, of course, added to the adventure since you were suddenly distracted and surprised mid-corner which, as stated before, would then turn into sudden, hair-raising oversteer.

Even the headliner was against you. The adhesive had dry rotted early on, and the back of it hung down to the lower 1/3 of the back window. We would roll it up and pin it, but nothing worked. It would still block out the rear view behind you which would make you move your head in an attempt to see around it. This distraction would, again, force you into snap oversteer.

Then there were the seats. The stock front ones seemed as if they were designed by La-Z-Boy, and the rear seat was like a sofa. Many years ago, my grandfather had actually paid for custom seat covers for it, made from heavy-duty clear plastic. This was great because it made for easy clean-up, but also made an awesome facsimile of passing gas when you'd rub skin across it. This, in turn, would make everyone laugh (including the driver), and the car would go into snap oversteer.

A mechanic friend of mine once saw the car, and commented, "Geez, I guess transportation isn't a real priority in your house, is it?" Nope, no it wasn't.

But the car did what it was required to do and, complain as I might, there was a certain sense of cool-cruiser to the car. I'd put it in "Drive" and roll through town. I'd put down the windows, hang an elbow out, crank up George Thorogood, and look for adventure. Unfortunately for my boyish ego, I think the only girl that I ever attracted with this car was my prom date.

Eventually, I moved on to another car of my own, and the LTD was sold to a woman who, like us, didn't hold transportation as a high priority. To this day, I still wonder if she survived after the first episode of snap oversteer.

(photo courtesy of Motorcar Portfolio)

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